confession.

I've been pretty hesitant about this post… but I can't seem to shake it off of my mind.  
Quite cliche, but the topic of Body Image, Weight Loss, Health, etc. 
There are 1 million blog posts about this, and it makes me wonder why... 

At this point in my life, I'm really struggling with wanting to be "fit", but also eating ice cream every day (but face it, who doesn't?)  I've never wanted to be "skinny"… that's just not my body type and really not something I want.  I like my curvy body, and I have for most of my life… but not always. 

Let me throw it back to my baptism.  I don't remember how old I was when I started wearing a bra, but let me just say, I DO remember putting on a bra before putting on my baptism dress.  I was always really tall and looked much older than my age.  I started wearing make up at age 11 and have had the same body since about 8th grade.  Don't let us forget that I was once referred to as "rack attack"… talk about bullying.  

In high school my body weight maintained around 147-150.  I was much bigger than all of my friends in high school, and considered myself "the fat friend" sort of joking… sort of not. That was a title I didn't LIKE of course, but I was used to it.  I just thought that was how it was.

I'm not sure what started it; I know that the issues are usually much deeper than thinking you are "fat" and they are usually about control, but I started binging BIG time (we're talking like an entire sleeves of Oreos, and anything else that was in sight), and eventually purging.  I didn't think it was a big deal… I mean, "I didn't have like an eating disorder" I'd always think to myself.  But when I look back, how was that NOT an eating disorder?  

I've come a long way since then.  I never got any help for it because I was in complete denial that I even had one.  To be honest, I think that the reason I stopped was because my freshman year in college there were 6 girls and only one toilet and I was so ashamed of what I did, I didn't want ANYONE to find out.  So I just stopped. 

In college however, I had the habit of still binging, so my weight increased every year.  By my senior year in college (after I returned home from Africa) I weighed 163.  I remember when I stepped on that scale I started to cry.  Why?  When I look back, that year I was pretty depressed.  Nothing drastic, but I was certainly not as happy or positive as I had been before (or I am now for that matter). After graduating and moving home, it was easy for me to lose weight without hardly even trying just because I wasn't going out to lunch and getting "treats" with my friends on a daily basis. 

I know that statistically, millions of girls across America have eating disorders, and want to change something about the way they look.  At girls camp this year,  I heard one of my Young Women say that their biggest fear was "getting fat" (this girl is no more than 100 pounds).  Ouch.  Hearing things like this hurt me deep. Another thing that I hear seriously on a DAILY basis is "I'm so fat" by friends or family members that are clearly at least 20 pounds less than me. Ouch again. All I can think of when they say things like that is "Oh you're fat at 120 pounds? what does that make me?" You know, I can honestly say that I haven't purged in about 5 years… but when I hear stuff like that, it's a trigger.  When I hear people talk about other people's weight, or when I see mean things people write on other people's pictures on instagram, it's a trigger.  Not that I'm going to go do it again, but the thought crosses my mind, "oh it would be so easy to…" 

However, with that has come a major brain change I can't decide is good or bad...

I started working out with Bryan when we got married.  Honestly, because he would go EVERY DAY and I just wanted to hang out with him, so I would tag along.  It then got to the point that I didn't necessarily LIKE going, but I knew it would be good for me… for survival reasons of course.  Meaning, if the world ended and zombies were taking over I would be able to outrun them (at least to climb up the nearest tree or smash their head in with a shovel or something) OR so that if I was falling off of a cliff, I would be able to hold myself up long enough until Bryan could catch me and save me.  (I'm serious… these are the scenarios going on in my head at the gym).  But 9 months later, and I'm going to the gym 4-5 days a week and I actually LIKE going! I'm seeing muscle on my body that I have NEVER seen before.  That feels pretty good!

However, there have been 2 separate occasions I've been at the gym and these girls have approached me and said "Oh my gosh! Rachelle, I didn't even recognize you! You look so skinny, you have lost so much weight!"
….. uh, how am I supposed to react to that? Was that supposed to be a compliment? After that I lit'rally felt like the winner to the Biggest Loser or something.  I hadn't lost a life changing amount I thought… just about 20 pounds.  That's pretty good, but that was pretty hideous of them to "compliment" me like that… wasn't it?

I know that the gym is only 20% and what I eat is 80%, and I know that I'm supposed to drink x amount of water, and I know that I should be eating smaller portions and more frequently.  I know all of this, because like all women I read about it because I want to look good… I want to be attractive! But with that has come a great price. When I'm thinking about trying to lose weight, it literally consumes my entire brain! I can't hardly THINK about anything else.  Is that healthy? I don't think so! I think about my mom (I love her dearly), but growing up her example of yo-yo dieting.  She has tried EVERYTHING imaginable… Constantly dieting.  What does that say to your young daughters? Your body isn't good enough, so you need to change it.  Do I want to reflect that onto my daughters? 

Does anyone actually LOVE their body? And for the people that do, do they have other important priorities in their lives (trust me, because I think that there are about 50 people who pretty much live at the gym that LOVE themselves).  Maybe it's just because I go to Gold's Gym, but I feel like people who are OBSESSED with fitness are the most annoying people ever! It is obvious that that is the main priority in their lives.  The kind of people that when they get invited over to dinner, they bring their own vegan side dish to eat all alone because "they can't eat that".  They are constantly working out to look good, but are the biggest tool heads and self-obsessed people ever!
I don't want to be like that! I want to care about my health and appearance, but not obsess over it! I want to care 

more about how loving I am to my husband, how I'm a teacher and helping shape children's futures, how I'm a young women's leader and an example to these young girls, how I'm a great sister and loyal friend, how I have goals that are much deeper than "lose 5 pounds". 

Like I said, I feel better now than I ever have in my life! I am working on trying to find the balance with exercising, eating for health (without obsessing), and occasionally indulging (without guilt) 

And of course,  not only accepting myself at my thinnest, but also LOVING myself through all stages/phases.