Love & Stuff

Love... A topic I find myself thinking about every single day.  Currently my life isn't hip on the love-scene, and I lack even a PNC (potential new crush).  However, I'm surrounded by all these googly-eyed-love-birds after the recent wave and popular trend of getting engaged over Winter Break, not to mention Valentines day is right around the corner, ugh.

Now, from my 20 years of life I have found myself to be a real believer in true love.  I think it all started when I was about 6 years old and the white kitty on Aristicats said "isn't it romantic?" I told my family later that day that my new favorite word was "romantic"... and they never let me forget it. But really I am, I love the idea of love.

Love is such a weird concept to me; I mean it is just a feeling after all. But how is it possible that a feeling is something that consumes 90% of peoples thoughts, changes peoples actions and life goals, makes people want to take the big step and be with ONLY THAT PERSON for the rest of their life?

 Love turns your wing-girl (or boy)  into just UGH friends (Used to Go Hard... thank you betcheslovethis.com).  They become that person who would rather cuddle and watch movies and feed their signif other bites of delicious home-cooked meals rather than the boy-crazy-attention-seeking-slay-queen version of your friend!!!  Your "in a relationship friend" (as defined by facebook) is now trying to give you love advice! She becomes the friend who justifies your single-ness by saying "he is probably just intimidated by you"; when all I want to do is shout  "trust me girlfriend, I read the book, I KNOW THE SIGNS when he's just not that into me...")

Love... Yet everyone in the world wants it, looks for it, and does things to find it! Girls go to college to get their MRS degree after all (don't look in the SW program, just saying). And once they find it, nothing can stop it.

For me personally, it takes a lot to actually like someone. Usually boys creep me out at some point when they try to do something "romantic" for me (it is usually something so awkward and creepy. I usually just stop talking to them and leave them hanging. Whoopsies. No more awkward singing love songs and burnt paper poems, they're bad). However, something thoughtful always melts my heart (one time a friend of mine got me a dream catcher necklace, and another got me a cactus because "he saw it and knew I would like it"--turns out he was right, I love it)

Best relationship advice I can give at this point: if you haven't had a boyfriend in a while, don't jump in all at once!  Start dating them on weekdays only (I call them, weekday boyfriends).  That way you have someone to feed and cuddle you during the week, and then you are free to meet new PNC's on the weekend.  Just kidding... but seriously...

Even though I hardly like to admit it, I guess the commitment of promising to only date 1 person scares me (because what if the cute boy I saw in the library FINALLY notices me and asks me out?! Ha, I have no soul....).  Because of this fear, I have only dated 3 boys in my life (aka called them my boyfriend) but now looking back, I would really only rather call one because the other 2 seem insignificant.

Let met start by my "first real boyfriend" (sorry Danny Holland, I'm not incluing eighth grade).  I was 15 years old and met this kid through a friend of a friend.  He was 16 and was the funniest boy I had ever met.  We had so much fun together in our 9 month relationship (even said "I love you".... that's what you do when you are 15) until things got crazy.  I like to refer to that relationship as more of "puppy love" more than anything.

Next I dated a boy from my junior year until I graduated.  Now, he was different because I never called him my boyfriend, and I never told him I loved him (which at the time I thought I did).  Because we "weren't together" there were times I justified it and kissed my secret basketball crush (among others) and didn't tell him (yeah I still feel bad). But turns out he was doing the same thing, and after dating for a year and a half I found out he had a secret girlfriend for something like 8 months.  Obvs I was pissed (double standard) and broke it off.  Fortunately now, he is one of my close friends (and yes, he is still dating her).

My most recent boyfriend was my freshman year at Utah State; First Love you could call it; it was different.  I was friends with him almost my whole freshman year, but it wasn't until the last 2 weeks of school I decided I liked him and we became obsessed with each other.  We dated until school started that fall, then off and on until February 13 (classic, right before Valentines day) of my sophomore year.  Its a weird feeling falling in love, and I really do consider those days the best time of my life. (I would recommend listening to 19 by Tegan and Sara to sum that part of my life up... ha)

It is amazing to me how unbelievably happy it makes you (yet at times irrational).  (like diet coke), Love makes the skies bluer, children more cute, and bad day's good ones.  It's that person you can always go to, have fun with no matter what, love even every flaw about that person, and want to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with that person.

But because love is so incredible, when it ends there is no worse feeling in the world.  It is strange to feel like you are going to be with someone for the rest of your life, and wanting to do anything and everything for that person, and making future plans to never speaking to them again. Suddenly, it's like you need to plan your whole life all over again while blasting "Nothing Compares to You".  You are secretly inside just waiting for someone to ask you how you are doing so you can reply "awful!" and share every detail about how you recently got dumped. You facebook stalk your ex no less than 40 times a day and tell everyone you know that you cant believe what his most recent activity is! You wear the same outfit you feel extra sexy in all in hopes running into your ex (it's been 7 days wearing the same outfit and you still haven't had any luck!!!) Your friends HUMILIATE YOU and shout out "she is single and ready to mingle" to every male creature that walks within 100 feet of you! You compare everything to that person and even the slightest thing reminds you of him (don't you hate when you have to hate your favorite song after them? ANNOYING!!!)

Love is wonderful, yet terrible. Break ups are terrible, yet wonderful.  Both teach so many lessons about yourself and what you want in life.  This cycle happens to everyone; and if it hasn't yet, it will. My good friend Sloan Bailey told me (after some time of bawlin' my eyes out) that "you break up with every boyfriend you ever have, until you marry one". Thank goodness for these experiences that are stepping stones in life that take me from my "puppy love" to my "first love" to "the love of my life".

but like I always say "ain't love grand?"